Everything from my birth until now.
Let me just say, I haven't had a particularly interesting life. But in order to introduce myself better, I feel I should start from the beginning...
My parents were fugitives living on the road. They robbed banks from Hong Kong to Asian countries further down south, like Papua New Guinea, to Australia. Whilst in Australia, I was concieved and born. My parents were killed 3 years and 6 days after my birth.
I spent the better part of my childhood poking dead animals with sticks and pickpocketing wealthy merchants for the local Fagin. All the while I was recieving training in the ninja arts courtesy of a senile rat who had made his home underground.
It was at age ten that I first displayed a fascination with the ocean. I set sail for a foreign land on a small dinghy, but promptly returned home after being attacked by pirates only 50 metres from land. I developed severe cases of aquaphobia (fear of water), abluthophobia (fear of bathing), antlophobia (fear of floods) and aphephobia (fear of touching or being touched).
Because I refused to bathe, the Australian people told me to leave. I became Chinese and then moved to China. I lived there for approximately two years, three months and ten days. After far too many instances of contact with various diseases, venereal or otherwise, I decided to leave China.
Australia agreed to take me back if I agreed to start bathing again and drink an elixir they had concocted that would apparently make me a white person again. The elixir turned out to be a tranquiliser and I was out cold for a unknown amount of time. When I awoke, I had cybernetic implants in my arms and legs. I was also now a woman.
I then returned to China to pursue a cheap and easy solution. My period was not far off. I found an alleyway clinic that specialised in abortions and euphanasia. I couldn't, however, go through with the operation. At this period in time I was at my most aphephobic. Plus, the doctor refused to wash his hands. They smelled vaguely of taco meat and labrador.
This was when I had the bright idea of searching within Thailand for a doctor who could help me in my current situation. I found a doctor who had helped over thirty Thai boys on their journeys to become Thai women. I agreed to the operation as long as I was not awake or would not have any memory of the experience when I awoke. The procedure took thirty three minutes, all of which I spent knocked out cold. As far as I know, nothing happened.
At the age of fourteen, I returned to Australia to pursue a career in killing people. The cybernetic implants were the first step in the Australian government's nefarious plan to create super soldiers. I spent two years in downtown Sydney killing hobos and drunkards. Twenty-six and a half dead people later, I told the Australian government that I was done killing. They promptly shot me in the head.
I spent three years in a coma and awoke at the age of nineteen to realise I had lost my baby. There were obvious signs of a cesarean.
Now I live in the state of Queensland with my three wives, all of whom were kidnapped against their will, and two children (illegitimate love childs from my early days in China).
My parents were fugitives living on the road. They robbed banks from Hong Kong to Asian countries further down south, like Papua New Guinea, to Australia. Whilst in Australia, I was concieved and born. My parents were killed 3 years and 6 days after my birth.
I spent the better part of my childhood poking dead animals with sticks and pickpocketing wealthy merchants for the local Fagin. All the while I was recieving training in the ninja arts courtesy of a senile rat who had made his home underground.
It was at age ten that I first displayed a fascination with the ocean. I set sail for a foreign land on a small dinghy, but promptly returned home after being attacked by pirates only 50 metres from land. I developed severe cases of aquaphobia (fear of water), abluthophobia (fear of bathing), antlophobia (fear of floods) and aphephobia (fear of touching or being touched).
Because I refused to bathe, the Australian people told me to leave. I became Chinese and then moved to China. I lived there for approximately two years, three months and ten days. After far too many instances of contact with various diseases, venereal or otherwise, I decided to leave China.
Australia agreed to take me back if I agreed to start bathing again and drink an elixir they had concocted that would apparently make me a white person again. The elixir turned out to be a tranquiliser and I was out cold for a unknown amount of time. When I awoke, I had cybernetic implants in my arms and legs. I was also now a woman.
I then returned to China to pursue a cheap and easy solution. My period was not far off. I found an alleyway clinic that specialised in abortions and euphanasia. I couldn't, however, go through with the operation. At this period in time I was at my most aphephobic. Plus, the doctor refused to wash his hands. They smelled vaguely of taco meat and labrador.
This was when I had the bright idea of searching within Thailand for a doctor who could help me in my current situation. I found a doctor who had helped over thirty Thai boys on their journeys to become Thai women. I agreed to the operation as long as I was not awake or would not have any memory of the experience when I awoke. The procedure took thirty three minutes, all of which I spent knocked out cold. As far as I know, nothing happened.
At the age of fourteen, I returned to Australia to pursue a career in killing people. The cybernetic implants were the first step in the Australian government's nefarious plan to create super soldiers. I spent two years in downtown Sydney killing hobos and drunkards. Twenty-six and a half dead people later, I told the Australian government that I was done killing. They promptly shot me in the head.
I spent three years in a coma and awoke at the age of nineteen to realise I had lost my baby. There were obvious signs of a cesarean.
Now I live in the state of Queensland with my three wives, all of whom were kidnapped against their will, and two children (illegitimate love childs from my early days in China).
posted by Sestsa at 5:45 PM
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