SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!!

I laughed the entire way through. And it wasn't one of those "so-crap-it-was-funny" films. My father, mother and sister were genuinely caught up in the film as a thriller. It is all in the way you look at it, I guess. From the moment I heard about it, I was expecting an awesome B-grade cult film. And that was what I got. I went into the cinemas expecting outrageous scenes and a film that doesn't really take itself seriously (and that was what I got), but my parents and my sister didn't go in expecting such a film and, as such, didn't get the same back. They got what they were expecting...a genuinely exciting thriller. It is so effective in its execution, I thought, that you could get so caught up in the terror that you don't realise how ridiculous all of the deaths in the film are. A woman getting bit on the tongue by a snake jumping out of her sick bag; another overweight woman getting bit on the eye by a snake that just climbed its way up inside her dress; a man accidently grabbing a snake that fell from the roof instead of the oxygen mask that fell at the same time. It was all so hilarious. But not in a bad way at all.

My final comment? If you go in expecting a good thriller, you will get one. But if you go in expecting a riotous B-movie dripping with cult appeal, you will get definitely get one.

Something I wrote...

This is something I wrote a while ago. It is an introduction to a film. Not entirely fleshed out, a pretty rough piece, but I feel like posting it. I plan to finish it off sometime. I like how it starts.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

CHARLOTTE and AMADEUS sit facing the camera, which is obviously the PRINCIPAL. This being a school. They are young. Charlotte wears black, semi-professional. Amadeus wears a t-shirt tucked into his jeans. They both sit at ease. They both don't particularly want to be here.

PRINCIPAL (O/S)
How old are you two?

Charlotte and Amadeus answer straight-faced.

CHARLOTTE
Twenty four.

AMADEUS
Twenty five.

PRINCIPAL (O/S)
You are the youngest parents in this high school.

CHARLOTTE
I don’t get your point?

PRINCIPAL (O/S)
Isn’t twenty four and twenty five a little young to have a fifteen year old girl?

AMADEUS
No.

(Beat)

CHARLOTTE
She’s adopted.

We now see the principal.

PRINCIPAL
I don't mean to offend you, but I seriously question whether you two can raise a teenager.

CHARLOTTE
There have been no complaints yet.

PRINCIPAL
How long has she been under your care?

CHARLOTTE
Three months.

PRINCIPAL
It will only get more difficult.

AMADEUS
What does this have to do with you?

The Principal looks at the parents, hesitates a bit, and then...

PRINCIPAL
Your daughter was in a fight today.

CHARLOTTE
A fight?

PRINCIPAL
She assaulted another student.

CHARLOTTE
There are two sides to every story.

PRINCIPAL
Either way, Mrs Valentine, the school frowns on fighting.

AMADEUS
Did she win?

The Principal is not too impressed.

PRINCIPAL
There are no winners in a fight as far as the school is concerned.

CHARLOTTE
What happened to the other girl?

PRINCIPAL
It was a boy.

Everything from my birth until now.

Let me just say, I haven't had a particularly interesting life. But in order to introduce myself better, I feel I should start from the beginning...

My parents were fugitives living on the road. They robbed banks from Hong Kong to Asian countries further down south, like Papua New Guinea, to Australia. Whilst in Australia, I was concieved and born. My parents were killed 3 years and 6 days after my birth.

I spent the better part of my childhood poking dead animals with sticks and pickpocketing wealthy merchants for the local Fagin. All the while I was recieving training in the ninja arts courtesy of a senile rat who had made his home underground.

It was at age ten that I first displayed a fascination with the ocean. I set sail for a foreign land on a small dinghy, but promptly returned home after being attacked by pirates only 50 metres from land. I developed severe cases of aquaphobia (fear of water), abluthophobia (fear of bathing), antlophobia (fear of floods) and aphephobia (fear of touching or being touched).

Because I refused to bathe, the Australian people told me to leave. I became Chinese and then moved to China. I lived there for approximately two years, three months and ten days. After far too many instances of contact with various diseases, venereal or otherwise, I decided to leave China.

Australia agreed to take me back if I agreed to start bathing again and drink an elixir they had concocted that would apparently make me a white person again. The elixir turned out to be a tranquiliser and I was out cold for a unknown amount of time. When I awoke, I had cybernetic implants in my arms and legs. I was also now a woman.

I then returned to China to pursue a cheap and easy solution. My period was not far off. I found an alleyway clinic that specialised in abortions and euphanasia. I couldn't, however, go through with the operation. At this period in time I was at my most aphephobic. Plus, the doctor refused to wash his hands. They smelled vaguely of taco meat and labrador.

This was when I had the bright idea of searching within Thailand for a doctor who could help me in my current situation. I found a doctor who had helped over thirty Thai boys on their journeys to become Thai women. I agreed to the operation as long as I was not awake or would not have any memory of the experience when I awoke. The procedure took thirty three minutes, all of which I spent knocked out cold. As far as I know, nothing happened.

At the age of fourteen, I returned to Australia to pursue a career in killing people. The cybernetic implants were the first step in the Australian government's nefarious plan to create super soldiers. I spent two years in downtown Sydney killing hobos and drunkards. Twenty-six and a half dead people later, I told the Australian government that I was done killing. They promptly shot me in the head.

I spent three years in a coma and awoke at the age of nineteen to realise I had lost my baby. There were obvious signs of a cesarean.

Now I live in the state of Queensland with my three wives, all of whom were kidnapped against their will, and two children (illegitimate love childs from my early days in China).